Everyone and their kitten loves a good game of “Would You Rather”. I hate when people come up to me with this game as though they invented it themselves, or like they’re going to shock me with their “Would You Rather” topic. Sorry, but it’s impossible. I’ve been playing that game since I was 9 and these two “older” boys (12) on my camp bus asked me and my friend Rebecca if we would rather touch a dead body or an erection. They thought they were being slick as hell by throwing in a “grown-up” word, but little did they know that BOTH of Rebecca’s parents were doctors, and we’d been thumbing through their medical encyclopedias for years, looking up a number of “inappropriate” terms and life-size diagrams of male and female genitalia and rectal tracts. You can’t trick a bunch of little pervs, and that is no doubt what we were. In fact, to this day I credit Rebecca for inspiring in me what seems to be a lifelong inclination toward excessive vulgarity. And for teaching me the meaning of “ejaculation” and introducing me to Dr. Judy’s Lovelines radio show on Z100, and for ordering plastic spiders from the practical joke catalog and putting them in our jappy-ass, humorless camp counselors drinks, and for teaching me the beauty of the felt toilet paper switcheroo.
Anyway, the point is, “Would You Rather” may be the oldest game in the book, like probably Moses played it with his followers because I imagine that crossing that giant red sea eventually got really boring. But there is one particular question that continues to baffle me. I can’t make a decision. It started one day when my friend Paul and I were walking the streets of the wrongest neighborhood on earth, the upper east side, ny ny, 1002-suck it-hard, and I asked him:
“Hey Paul, if you suddenly realized that you had 2.2 seconds to go before you completely lost control of your bowels, would you shit in your pants, or would you pull them down and let loose on the sidewalk?”
There was like literally two minutes of silence. I could tell he was thinking this one through, and I spent the pause trying to evaluate the situation myself. This was unexpectedly tough to answer! Finally, Paul spoke, and it seemed there were a number of qualifiers that needed to be addressed. He asked, “Well, could I go right home and change my pants?” “No,” I said. “It would be like if it happened right now, at 10:30am, on the way back to work from Le Fraaaaaaaaaaaaaiche deli.” Then he asked, “Am I close enough to a bathroom that I could just bust in and use it?” “Nope,” I said. “2.2 seconds. You’ll be shitting before you even realize what’s happening.” Another 2 minute pause. Now please keep in mind, my dear friend Paul is not one to shy away from discussing [or promoting] excretory functions. It’s actually one of his favorite topics which is why I tested this question out on him before bringing it to the masses, aka my 2 other friends. After thinking again, he asked me “Is it day or night? How many people are on the street? What is the consistency? Is it summer or winter?” I wanted to get mad and tell him to JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION ALREADY, but I couldn’t blame him. There is a lot to take into account in this situation, and even after analyzing all the facts, the decision is still a difficult one. Personally, I think it’s because this is a situation that could actually happen to someone in real life. Odds are low that someone is going to come up to you with a gun pointed at your head and say: “YOU HAVE TO STICK YOUR HEAD UP BEA ARTHUR’S SNAPPER FOR 40 SECONDS OR LET HER STICK HER HEAD UP YOURS, GO!” I mean, not really going to happen, I don’t think. But realistically speaking, one could be inconveniently afflicted with sudden rectal incontinence, and the decision would have to be made. It’s a real life matter, people, is what I’m saying.
So after like 3 hours of evaluation and advice from fellow friends, we couldn’t come up with a blanket-situation answer. So here’s my survey:
Thanks for voting!
