I take brain-crippling umbrage with Microsoft Word – even more so than I do with fat girls wearing knee high boots that don’t zip past their mutant calves, fish tacos, the Hamptons, and Hitler. This program seems to have been dreamed up, built, edited and packaged by some combination of the following:
- Low-functioning second grade special ed class in Des Moines, IA
- Robots (but not GAY ROBOT, he’s really smart.)
- Senior Citizens
- Illiterates
- Immigrants recruited on their first day in America
- A panda’s asshole
There are so many problems in this ridiculous jackass program. I am offended by it every time I use it, and the reasons are so infinite that I’m going to have break them up into separate categories. I may have to break the categories into categories, and then hire a giant black man with a raging case of Chlamydia to ass-rape them one by one.
Problem 1: THE MICROSOFT WORD THESAURUS – FUNCTIONALITY & QUALITY CONTROL
Let me begin by saying that the quality and accuracy of word selection and synonym appropriation have undoubtedly heinous implications for the future of language. This theory deserves its own tome, but I’m ADHD so here are some examples that made me launch my face through my screen:
1. I am moseying along, writing a paper, and I’ve used the word “information” three times on one page. UNACCEPTABLE! So I type it into the thesaurus and what do I get?
I know that is hard to read so I will spell it out for you. I type in “information”. Microsoft Word gives me synonyms including “in order”, “in sequence”, “in a row”. Uh…I don’t think so buddy. The first time I tried this, I thought I was going brain-dead. I didn’t get it. What the hell. You can’t say “This book includes great ‘in a row’”! But after I readjusted the settings in my brain to process things like I would if I were a carnival guppy, I realized that they were giving me synonyms for “in formation.” As in, in a line. What the F. WHAT THE F. WRONGGGGGGG!!!! Don’t these people conduct focus groups or studies or brain waves? I would bet my face that if one assembled a group of 100 people looking up synonyms for the word “information”, less than ZERO of people in said assemblage would be looking it up in this ridiculous manner. Appalling.
Here’s another Thesaurus insult that makes me want to find a giant cluster of Parisian pigeons, feed them Chipotle burritos and hold them over Bill Gates’ head for 3 hours. Microsoft thinks they are being so amazing by including keyboard shortcuts for popular commands, i.e. shift+F7. Well stupid people are never amazing and this is no exception. LISTEN UP. YOU MAY BE STUPID BUT I’M NOT. LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I LEAVE MY CURSOR NEXT TO THE WORD I WANT TO LOOK UP, BUT AFTER THE PUNCTUATION MARK.
Do you see this BS? Are you serious? I WILL NEVER BE LOOKING FOR A SYNONYM FOR A MOTHER-F-ING COMMA. Get real. Don’t you have programmers? Can’t you write a 2 line code so the thesaurus skips punctuation marks? Must you remind me that there are “no results” for a comma? These jackasses need to be tipped over like the oblivious grazing cows that they are, and then they need to be schooled up the choche with the front of my steel-toed boot.
