AHEM.
“Hieverybody, muh name is Je’CarryousJackson, and this is muhbrotherJamal. We sellin m&m’s for $1.00. We ain’t sellin candy for no basketball team or no school trip, we sellin it to keep ourselfs off the street and not sell drugs. We bof got peanut M&Ms for $1.00. Thankyouandhaveaniceday.”
AHEM.
Hi Je’carryous! Hi Jamal! How’s everything? I’m not going to be purchasing peanut M&Ms from you today, or ever, and here’s why.
1. Boys, your logic is totally backwards! Although I would under no circumstances purchase anything from anyone with such poor grammar, I’m certainly going to be even more averse to your plea when you’re flat out telling me that you’re ripping me off! I’m sure there are some guilty rich white people who might consider funding your alleged “basketball team” [cheesy no-karat gold bling] or “boy scout trip” [gang raping a drunk bitch behind the dumpster] or “groceries” [Newport 100s], but nobody is going to buy the second worst candy in the world from you for no reason! In fact, I can’t think of anything I care about LESS than keeping you off the street, except maybe helping LeAnn Rimes make a comeback. I’d expect someone who went to 6th grade THREE times to have better business logic than this!
2. You’ve got to do a better job explaining the ways in which selling M&Ms on the subway is at all related to you staying off the streets. We all know you’re not going to college, and public school just happens to be 100% free of charge! Perhaps you might want to take advantage of that non-limited time offer and spend your time in a classroom instead of F-ing around on the train. I think everyone knows what you’re going to do with the $17.00 you’ll make this afternoon, and unfortunately, the answer is not “buy condoms”.
3. Je’carryous. Jamal. Guys. We’ve all spent many a morning in the corner bodega, waiting 30 minutes for a shitty egg white sandwich. We’re all familiar with the look and feel of a wholesale, bought-in-bulk product versus the kind available for purchase to an average consumer like yourself. I’ve been to many a Shoprite superstore and even those with the most heavenly of snack aisles do not sell gigantic cardboard boxes filled with bags of peanut M&Ms with wrappers that read “Not for individual resale.” You’ve get to get real – everybody on the train knows that you’ve jacked your product from the backroom of a deli. How can you ask us to support your “staying off the streets” cause when you haven’t made any effort to prove to us that you’re trying to change? There’s a reason that you’re the ones on the train selling M&Ms, and everyone else isn’t… and the reason is that you are really, REALLY dumb.
stolen product
not a stolen product.
4. I happened to notice that you both have on some very nice Nike sneakers. Luckily, my good friend Cloff Hran has a horrifying obsession with sneakers, and therefore I am well aware that the combined net value of your footwear is somewhere in the neighborhood of $500.00 USD. Now, I’m not saying you stole them [which is actually exactly what I'm saying], but I have to tell you that if you can afford such luxurious kicks, then I’m going to have a very tough time believing your schtick. Your credibility is rapidly disappearing, my friends. Think about it like this. If I came up to you, and in my left hand was a box of expired wholesale M&Ms that I was trying to pawn off on you for $20.00, and I was holding in the other hand a check, made out to me, for $10,000- would you pity me and give me the 20 bucks? Or would you say, “F dat bitch, she rich!” You’re incredibly slow-minded, so I don’t expect you to have followed the analogy, but what I’m saying to you is that you can’t have expensive things and then cry poverty. It’s not consistent.
5. M&Ms cost $.85 cents everywhere else. Even morbidly obese fools don’t pay retail for candy during a recession.
