Look, all year round I’m a casual reality TV watcher. Hey Bravo, I see you. I watch those Orange County/Orange skin whores. I watch Loch JewNess Monster Patti Stanger and her millionaire hookers. I like to watch the flesh melt right off the bones of Rachel “Mosquito” Zoe. I like to cry at Intervention, make fun of the toilet baby mamas on Teen Mom, and I’ll even watch an episode of The Real World here and there. W/e, right? For 3/4 of the year I’m fine.
But I’m about to enter the eye of my personal reality TV storm. I’m currently flirting with disaster as Celebrity Rehab is well under way. I mean look- Dr. Drew is an elitist prick and I don’t get why he’d pay H-List celebrities $250,000 to kick their drug addiction on television. I mean any drug addict with a vague sense of math would figure out how to work his system and maybe make a living off continuing to do drugs. Because this is what I would do- I’d go on the show, get $250,000. Then I’d “relapse”, and Dr. Drew would ask to have me back! Because relapses are exciting TV! And I’d make another quarter mil. Then I’d do Sober House, then I’d relapse again, etc. I could make 1 million dollars off of VH1 in less than 2 years. And all I’d have to do is abuse a little valium. I already have worse problems than that. No big deal.
But this season of Celebrity Rehab is different because long time love of my life/Pete Burns’ identical twin Heidi Fleiss is in the house. I love her. She is breaking my heart every Thursday night. With the damn parrots and Death Valley and all of that. I mean here’s a signal that you’re not 100% okay- you live with 20+ parrots and 0- people. In a desert town that, because of you, has a larger population of parrots than it does people. I already wrote about how much I idolized her as a kid so I won’t go through that again. But watching her sad, sad, parrot-laden life just tears me up. Come on Heidi! Come on kitty kat! Get it together! Put the white trash crystal away. Give it to that turd hat Kari Ann. She deserves it anyway! You may have gradually custom-built your face for meth but she was already born with one! Ugh, it’s so tragic. And of course, only one week after Celebrity Rehab concludes, Sober House is all geared up to go. And Heidi is in the house. Ugh. Heartbreaking. I mean my first and only other childhood idol, Ms. June Pointer, already died a crackhead. I can’t go through it again Fleiss. Please get it together. DO IT FOR THE PARROTS.
And then of course, the first and forever #1 reality show love of my life, The Real Housewives of New York, is right around the corner. At the same time and on the same night as Sober House! My brain is going to be SO WACK after watching these two shows back to back on my DVR. I never liked the whole “Team” craze, but I mean TEAM BETHENNY hello? Why is everyone always fucking with Bethenny? Making her cry? I mean look at this trailer:
http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-new-york-city/videos/an-explosive-season
What the fuck happened to the Countess? She went from loony pill head to RAGING TRANNY BITCH. What the fuck is she singing about? Someone drag her out of that recording studio by her gigantic penis. And Jill Zarin you little 2 ball bitch. Friends with Kelly… really? Is Kelly even a person? I think she has a balloon animal for a brain. I’d rather be friends with a community of homosexual mothballs than be friends with Kelly Bensimon. Gross!
I guess I’m glad to see that both Alex and Ramona have really taken some long overdue but positive steps to correct their hairstyles. Kadooze to that. But overall, this upcoming season seems like the hottest hot mess, and then some. And unlike Dr. Drew’s bullshit, Real Housewives NY doesn’t make me sad, so much as it makes me angry, bitter, incensed, and irritated. So basically, I’m going to be an emotionally confused TV zombie until probably the beginning of summer. Like I am not already fucked up enough.
Listen, I don’t want to end this on a depressing note, so here are a few choice gifs I made from the Real Housewives NYC trailer. (If someone could take the second one and put it on a t-shirt and send it to my friend Megan, I would really appreciate it.)
